Life In Dresden

The Devil Made Them Do It

2005-12-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

The devil made them do it! As it turns out my children may not be alien spawn. Nor are the "special". It would seem that they might just be possessed. And all this time I was worried that something bad might happen to them.
Never again will I look twice as their heads spin in circles and I am bombarded with peasoup-like projectile vomiting because I made a decision not to their liking.
Never again will I ask my darling wife what it is we did wrong, was it dropping them at birth or did we bring the wrong children home from the hospital?
They are mine, all mine. Satan is merely standing by, watching and laughing.

And now for something completely different - GUILD WARS -

It's Just What I've Always Wanted

2005-12-27T16:29:00.000-05:00

It's just what I've always wanted. Not just for Christmas but for any past birthday or Father's Day. It's my very own belly dancer! Now I know there is a Santa because whenever I've asked my darling wife to dance for me she usually just rolls her eyes at me or says a few things that I cannot repeat here.
I promise to feed her and bathe her and keep her safe from harm. Now if only I could figure out how to not wake up because you know I'm only dreaming!

And now for something completely different - GHOST GIRL -

My New Year's Resolution

2005-12-27T16:13:00.000-05:00

My News Year's resolution from last year was to not overeat during this Christmas holiday. So what did I do? Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day was a 72 hour food orgy spent with friends and family eating, resting and then eating again. Our favourite topic of discussion was the various ways to consume a 2000+ calorie plate of food and still have room for countless glasses of eggnog and rum.
So, here I am on day four, lying on the couch watching TV instead of exercising and moaning because one of the kids has hidden the remote for the TV set. We all know there is only one thing for me to do, call for the nearest child and have him or her change the channel for me.
Ah, it's good to be King!

It's An Old fashioned Christmas

2005-12-24T23:47:00.000-05:00

It's an old fashioned Christmas and that's what made this holiday special. Being Christmas Eve, my wife and I had our families over for our annual Whining and Dining Extravaganza. The men gathered round the diningroom table and feasted on the finest of foods while the children huddled together for warmth at the kid's table out on the backporch. That doesn't sound as bad as it seems as this year the temperature barely dropped below freezing. Meanwhile, out in the Menstrual Shack, the women folk eagerly awaited the arrival of Santa Claus. Since the whole lot of them are naughtier than nice, their gifts of lumps of coal were greatly appreciated. By the time the women get called back into the main house to do dishes the cottage's tiny woodstove will be burning as hot as can be.

Merry Christmas One And All

The Wedding Of The Year

2005-12-24T22:59:00.000-05:00

The wedding of the year took place earlier this week but it was not this one, the union of Sir Elton John to the "Lady" David Furnish. I feel slighted as I was not invited to attend the ceremony as I am only four degrees of separation away from the couple. It turns out that a fellow I work with is married to a woman who works with another woman who was the childhood friend and next door neighbour of the "bride". If that doesn't deserve front row seats to this all-star circus then nothing does!
I referred to the newlyweds as being Sir and Lady, as Elton had been knighted by the Queen of England, and David is now the "wife" of a royal knight. I try my hardest to be politically (in)correct but I am having a real difficult time with this latest development. In order to be as objective as possible I have compiled the following list as to how and why their coupling can work:

1) No snuggling neccessary
2) No foreplay
3) No small talk
4) They both leave
5) No shaving
6) They both know they're lying
7) No risk of pregnancy
8) No PMS
9) Neither one will never ask "does this make me look fat?"

and finally

10) If they do ask they can answer "yes".

And now for something completely different - DISNEY -

My Worst Nightmare

2005-12-18T12:08:00.000-05:00

My worst nightmare is a recurring dream I have, usually immediately after being forced to watch Pretty Woman or The Wedding Planner with my wife. In my dream I am being chased by all of the women I have ever dated but did not call back afterward.
Their cries of "why didn't you call? I waited by the phone for days!" or "You told me I was special!" block away all other sound and then the chase begins.
Sometimes I manage to escape but other at times the darling woman I did marry catches me and saves me from the angry mob of would-be-brides. She then gives me the biggest kiss of my life. That is when the alarm clock goes off and I wake up with a mouth full of feathers and a hole in my pillow.

And now for something completely different - THIS DAY IN MUSIC -

Dresden Frontier Days

2005-12-18T11:13:00.000-05:00

Dresden Frontier Days and Indoor Swapmeet was a huge success this weekend with attendance at an all time high. Nearly a hundred and forty people made their way through the doors to trade jars of pickles and knitted goods as well as to see the town's ninety year old matador battle an untamed tortoise.
Next year's event is already being planned with a mime-dunking tank and the first ever Dresden Idol competition. And for all of you unwed mothers, the Ugly Baby contest will return along with a new event, a Guess Who's The Daddy booth will be set up facing the beer tent.
So be sure to be there for all of the fun and festivities. As always the first mug of moonshine is free.

Cooking Secrets

2005-12-16T22:40:00.000-05:00

Cooking secrets of some of the worlds greatest chefs are really not all that mysterious. Usually they are just a mixture of common sense and experience. Since I do my share of the meal preparation in this house I thought I would share some of my kitchen tips with you.

1) Cooking sherry is for cooking, not for getting you in the mood to cook. The more sherry you drink, the more likely you are to forget that you are actually cooking and whatever it is you have in the oven will burn. You can remedy this problem by serving your guests even larger amounts of sherry and they in turn will either forget why they are there or whatever blackened lump of flesh you serve them will taste just fine.

2) If you are serving some sort of fowl, be it turkey or goose or pheasant, be sure that you have all ready dressed the bird. Animals are generally a lot smarter than we give them credit for and will sense their time has come and will do whatever is neccessary to prolong their already short lives. Also live birds make one heck of a noise when they see you coming with the axe so make sure the dirty work is done behind the woodshed or in a back ally.

3) Think ahead. Frozen fast food from KFC will fool all but the fussiest of diners. When questioned, always respond with "it's an old family recipe." Even the Colonel himself borrowed the original recipe from his Grandmother.

4) No one really likes turkey. Nor do they like any sort of cooked bird other than chicken. Be a generous host and give your guests the option to call out for pizza and beer. You will then have a meal to be remembered.

My First Visit

2005-12-16T11:54:00.000-05:00

My first visit with Santa is a very dim memory, likely something I am better of forgetting completely. I seem to remember not wanting to be placed on the lap of this red-suited, whiskey laced stranger. Once there I am sure one of us had already wetted ourselves and I don't think it was me. Also, is a toddler supposed to be pinched on the bottom by a jolly little elf? Come on folks, no means no! I think the topper was when Old St. Nick's beard fell off of his face. To a young child that is just downright scarey. Maybe this is why I always keep the fireplace burning on Christmas Eve.

And now for something completely different - RUSH -

The Unknown Blogger

2005-12-11T11:50:00.000-05:00

The Unknown Blogger

I have been overwhelmed by the three pieces of fan mail that I have received since I first started this blog almost a year ago ( two were from "lonely" prison inmates ) all asking for a picture of myself and begging me to reveal a bit more about my personal life. Without further ado, I now present my deepest and darkest secrets.

Name: Claude Poirier
Location: Dresden Ontario Canada
Marital Status: Married ... with children
Occupation: Grunt/Scapegoat
Hobbies: Freeing the Romanian girls from Spanky's and other fine Gentlemen Clubs ( kind of like PETA )
Habits: Collecting Romanian girls from Spanky's and other fine Gentlemen Clubs
Greatest Ambition: Becoming President of the Hairclub For Men
Pet Peeve: The lyrics to "My Humps" by Black Eyed Peas
Greatest Accomplishment: Figuring out which of 4 remotes actually turns the TV to DVD mode
Greatest Mistake: Allowing my daughters out of the menstrual shack during the winter months
Last Book Read: How The Grinch Stole Christmas - A Survivor's Guide To The Holiday Season

Conversation With The Dead

2005-12-11T11:41:00.000-05:00

Conversation with the dead was made possible with a little help from my wife, a few of our friends, a bottle of Jack Daniels and an Ouija board.
The hour was midnight and we were sitting in a tight circle around the dining room table trying to conjur up the spirits of the dead. The first question asked was is anyone there? When the pallet moved to the letters H-E-Y M-O-R-O-N-S W-E A-R-E T-R-Y-I-N-G T-O G-E-T
S-O-M-E S-L-E-E-P I knew we had made contact. The second question was will you let us see you? Again the pallet moved spelling out
C-A-N-T Y-O-U R-E-A-D B-U-Z-Z O-F-F. Our third and final question was will you let us feel your presence? The answer came immediately when the pallet flew off of the table and lodged itself somewhere up my friend's personal anatomy.
The good news is the operation was a success as the doctors were able to remove it. The bad news is he will be sitting on an inflatable doughnut for the next few weeks.

And now for something completely different - SO YOU WANNA -

My Christmas Wishlist

2005-12-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

My Christmas wishlist has gotten a tiny bit longer, a little more expensive and a whole lot more unreasonable with the passing of the years. As a young boy, what I wanted most was a Tonka truck. Then, as a twentysomething adult I wanted a 4X4 Redneck Special with great big tires. Now what I want is to be able to afford to fill the gastank of my Grand Am. I know I can't always have what I want so that is why I am willing to settle for being younger-taller-richer with all of my original teeth and hair. Thank my lucky stars I'm still handsome.
Seeing as how this is a very busy time of the year for Santa, he has subcontracted the responsibility of letter-checking to me and my lovely wife. That's right, not only are we in charge of deciding who has been naughty or nice, the two of us also get to decide what it is you are ( or are not ) going to receive this holiday season.
As a rule, we can be bought, so send your bribes and Christmas wishlist to:

Claude & Kathy
Santa's Little Helpers
Dresden Ontario Canada
H0H 0H0

And now for something completely different - ALIBI NETWORK -

The Signs Of The Apocalypse

2005-12-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

The signs of the apocalypse were made clear to the prophet John way back when the earth was green. Originally they were omens represented by the four horsemen, the white, red, black and pale riders.
I too have had a vision of the coming of the end. It came to me in a dream following an orgy of tacos, chili and beer.
In my dream my four children all had learners permits and were able to drive my car. My first child came to me and told me she had cleaned her bedroom and had done all of her laundry. My second child came to me and said he had shoveled the snow from the driveway and sidewalk. My third child came to me and said she had cooked dinner and would later wash the dishes. My fourth child came to me and said the floors has been swept and the carpets had been vacuumed.
Surely these are all indications of the world ending. What a pity, I would actually consider letting them drive my car past the end of the driveway!.

More Suppressed Memories

2005-12-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

More suppressed memories but this time from The Boy.
Christmas is the time of year when everyone is happy and jolly. Everyone that is except for The Boy. I asked him if the hunting trip still bothered him and his first response was "what hunting trip?"
I took him aside and showed him the family album. Behind a picture of me receiving the Nobel Peace Prize for stopping the Alien Invasion of 2000 was another picture. This one was of The Boy, just 9 years old, crying at Santa's funeral.
I told him it would be OK if he wanted to cry again. He said no, it wouldn't be necessary, that he was a big boy now.
Everything was alright until I reminded him of our other hunting trip and the little accident at Easter time involving a stewing pot and a certain unnamed bunny!

Suppressed Memories

2005-12-04T13:51:00.000-05:00

Suppressed memories have a way of hitting you like a ton of bricks. You can be walking along as happy as can be and all of a sudden you're on your knees trying to catch your breath.
Such a thing happened to me this morning as I was walking downtown window shopping. As I glanced through the picture window at the local drugstore I saw a Christmas display which brought me back to my first hunting trip with The Boy.
We were out shooting squirrels when all of a sudden I was dive bombed by what appeared to be a UFO. My gut instinct was to shoot first and ask questions later.
Tragedy struck twice that year. Not only was Christmas cancelled but I had also shot Santa Claus and all eight of his reindeer.

And now for something completely different - EMOTICONS -

When Squirrel's Attack

2005-12-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

When squirrel's attack it may be time to arm yourself.
With urban sprawl taking over more and more of their habitat, these little fellows have become very aggessive and have learned to adapt in order to survive.
As I witnessed during a stroll through the park, the furry rodents are not only Star Wars fans but they have also stolen George Lucas's technology.

Winter

2005-12-02T12:25:00.000-05:00

Winter has arrived with a vengance and it's time to get the car ready for the long season ahead. I asked The Boy to put the snow tires on the car so as to be safe on the icy roads.
The bad news is that I forgot we used the inner tubes of the tires during last summer's river rafting competition.
The good news is that he was able to improvise and duct taped a couple of pairs of cross-country skis to the frame of the car.
It now gets excellent gas milage going downhill but going uphill can be a bit of a problem. Maybe Santa will let me borrow his reindeer until Christmas Eve.

And now for something completely different - EMAIL STATIONARY -

Geeks vs Nerds

2005-11-27T14:14:00.000-05:00

Geeks vs Nerds - The 5 essential differences.

While not as intense as Alien vs Preditor but far more riveting than Pepsi vs Coke, the battle of societies fringe members has raged since bands of people first came together as a collective. Similar at first glance the differences don't become noticeable until closer examination.

1) Geeks tend to be intellectually superior to Nerds. The term Geek is used by people within the normal IQ range to describe a person who can do complex math problems in their heads while Nerds have difficulty removing the childproof cap from a bottle of Aspirin.

2) Geek is a four letter word denoting wealth and success in the business world as well as in all fields of science and medicine. Nerds are employed by Geeks to mop the floors and to donate their bodies for experimentation before and after their deaths.

3) Geeks can dress themselves and manage colour coordination. Nerds can dress themselves but without visual flair. Both socks must be the same colour and plaids do not go well with either stripes or polka dots. Never use Jerry Lewis or The Nutty Professor as a role model.

4) A Geek can repair electronic components while a Nerd has probes attatched to their scalp for electroshock therapy.

5) The King of Geeks is Bill Gates. The King of Nerds is PeeWee Herman. Who would you rather have your daughter bring home for dinner?

And now for something completely different - GEEKS vs NERDS

Knock Before Entering

2005-11-27T13:20:00.000-05:00

Knock before entering your kid's room or you may see something you would rather not, especially if they are teenagers.
I got the shock of my life when, thinking I was home alone, I decided I would put away my daughter's laundry. I walked into her room and there she was, naked, except for being wrapped in a towel and not wearing any makeup.
Now I understand why my girls take so long in the bathroom every morning!

Now Hiring: Village Idiot

2005-11-25T12:22:00.000-05:00

Now Hiring: Village Idiot
The town of Dresden is now hiring for the position of Village Idiot. The successful applicant must be entertaining while not being very bright. Fluency in either official language, English or French, is not neccessary. Uniforms will be provided.

Toilet Seat Etiquette

2005-11-25T11:20:00.000-05:00

Toilet seat etiquette is what makes a good marriage strong and a bad marriage fail. Far more divorces have resulted because of this than the toothpaste cap/squeezing issue or the toilet paper roll over-under issue combined. I have put a great deal of thought into the matter and other than booby trapping the bathroom, I have come to a conclusion.

I understand that a woman does not want to sit in pee or have their butts touch water because the seat was left up and it was three o'clock in the morning and it was late and she didn't want to turn on the light lest she wake up eveyone in the house. In order to avoid this the woman has only to put the seat down, touching it but once.
On the other hand a man's aim can be less than 100% acurrate. If the seat is always left up there wouldn't be a problem. A man shouldn't be expected to touch the seat twice, before and after the peeing.
The solution is to have the seat left up at all times.

And now for something completely different - LYRICS MANIA -

Wifejitsu

2005-11-20T11:54:00.000-05:00

Wifejitsu - The ancient art of manipulation.

This one is for all of the men out there. Ladies, please return to your knitting.

All right guys, how many of you have spent an evening in the doghouse or a cold night alone on the couch? How many of you have been in deep doodoo for reasons completely unknown? Unless you are a newlywed or lacking a certain male appendage, this article is for you.
What we don't know, or do know but can't do anything about, is that women belong to a secret society where all men are slime and our every doing is discussed, examined and controlled. There isn't anything that a man can do that hasn't already been planned and directed by our "better halves".
If we want to survive as a species there are five basic rules for survival that we men must learn early in life.

1) When asked by a woman if she looks fat in (whatever she is wearing; bikini, dress, potato sack, shipping crate, etc.) we must answer immediately with a definite NO. Do not hesitate or all is lost. Do not ask "compared to what?"

2) Do you remember that arguement the two of you had over three years ago just after getting home from dinner? Of course you don't but she does. She will bring this up again at the first sign of losing your most current disagreement. It will benefit you to know that no matter how right you are, you are still wrong. She will bring up the past in order to cloud over the present. Don't try to figure out where her latest point is coming from. It has nothing to do with now. She is trying to derail your train of thought.

3) She has secret powers, just like Wonder Woman but far more effective. The Icy Stare used in conjuntion with the Cold Shoulder is enough to shrink the nads of the bravest man. Even more deadly is The Silent Treatment combined with A Three Week Visit From Mother.

4) Periods, PMS and Menopause. The Triumvirate of Terror. Buildings burn, walls crumble, the mighty are brought to their knees. Sometimes it is best to just run. Run far and run fast.

5) You are never dealing with just one woman. You are dealing with all women, all of the time. She has multiple personalities and none of them really like you. It is YOUR FAULT. Learn to say "yes dear, I'm sorry dear, I'm a dog dear, it was my fault dear." Bow your head and leave the room silently. Do not make eye contact.

And a final reminder to all men:

Do not get caught reading this entry. She can read your mind, she knows you are up to something and she will get even!

Around The World In Eighty Days

2005-11-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

Around the world in eighty days - Day One
The last known exert from the journal of Preston Van Snooty III.

I have made a small wager with one of the fellows from the yaht club that I could indeed circumnavigate the globe, unassisted, in a period not to exceed eighty days.
At stake is the family name as well as a good deal of its fortune.
Being no stranger to the open sea, I have left port with nothing more than a compass and sextant, the best of goumet foods and for my leisure, a hard bound copy of the Jules Vern classic, Around The World In Eighty Days.
I lay here now upon the open deck, enjoying the warmth of the westerning sun. What could possibly go wrong? ...

And now for something completely different - TV PARTY -

Some Things Are Sacred

2005-11-19T18:47:00.000-05:00

Some things are sacred and demand privacy. Any man will tell you about "stage fright" or "performance anxiety". You know, not being able to do certain things in front of an audience! This is the one thing best done alone, without a group of young ladies rating our performance. Stage fright is one thing, but ladies, now you know why men don't go to the washroom in groups.

Winter Is Officially Here

2005-11-19T17:57:00.000-05:00

Winter is officially here when, like the robins in early spring, the first snowman of the year is spotted rummaging through the back alleys of Dresden in search of food. Their long summers' hibernation is over and not only are they hungry, they are dangerous as well.
Parents, armed with flame throwers and road salt, will escort the towns' children to and from school as well as keeping a careful watch on the tobogganing hills, a favourite hunting ground for the newly awakened snowmen.

And now for something completely different - DL's Top Ten -

A Guest Editorial

2005-11-13T15:26:00.000-05:00

A guest editorial: by Kathy Poirier

I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more. There have been things said in this blog that are blatantly false. So many things in fact, I don't even know where to begin.
I guess I should start with our children. Yes, I said ours. No matter how strange their behaviour, they are yours Claude, even if neither one of us can remember when or where they were born or anything other than bright lights and being probed and prodded with mysterious metal objects during their conception. Stop blaming everything on Aliens!
Next on the list is my supposed mailing address. It is not:

The Menstual Shack
Backyard
Behind The Garage

If I hear you say that one more time your address will be:

The Doghouse
The End Of Lonely Street
Loserville

Our children's feelings have been hurt for the last time. It's not their fault that they were born with tails and without opposable thumbs. It is only a coincidence that the Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum has offered to purchase the kids from us.
Our house is no more haunted than that fine home in Amityville.
And for your information, portals to alternate dimensions are a natural occurrence. Members of my family have been opening them long before the invention of the Ouija board.
I could go on and on but I won't. I know you love me and you won't do anything else to embarrass me. That means I'm trusting you to publish a flattering picture of me along with this post.
Remember dear, you do have to sleep, sooner or later!

Skeletons In The Closet

2005-11-13T14:45:00.000-05:00

Skeletons in the closet are a common thing for almost every family. Whether it be that certain Uncle who likes to dress up in Auntie's underthings or maybe an inlaw who is more often an outlaw, every family has its dirty laundry best left hidden from prying eyes.
So what makes this family different from any other? The skeletons in our closets are actual skeletons.
My middle daughter is an aspiring photographer. She gathered us together for this family photo which looked fine once it was developed. The strange part did not become obvious until I happened to glance at the negatives. My wife and I are up front with our three daughters right behind us. In the back row are The Boy and Grandma.
So, who are the two demons? Could they be the infamous "not me" who seem to be responsible for every unsolved mess or broken and lost item in my house? If so, they are definitely from my wife's side of the family.

And now for something completely different - HOT TOPIC -

Magic For The Lazy

2005-11-11T22:47:00.000-05:00

Magic for the lazy. No cards, no props and no remembering numbers. All you have to do is stare at the picture until you see a giraffe.
And now for my next trick, watch me erase my hard drive by clicking on an executable file in my email.

Religious Persecution

2005-11-11T22:12:00.000-05:00

Religous persecution has plagued mankind from the very first act of worship. Each brand of ideology professes to be the one true faith, denouncing the other as mere idol worship, or worse yet, as a pact with the devil.
Who can you turn to for the answers to life's great mysteries, for comfort in your time of need and for absolution from your sins.
Brothers and sisters, you need look no further. Come to me. Let me be the one.
I do hereby proclaim my willingness to listen to your confessions. Leave your comments for me to read and I will in turn offer you forgiveness.
Oh ... don't forget to leave something in the collection plate.

And now for something completely different - SPAM POISON -

I Am Not Getting Older

2005-11-06T13:17:00.000-05:00

I am not getting older.
It's everything around me that keeps changing.
My eyesight is fine, it's the print that is getting smaller.
My hearing is fine, it must be the background noise that confuses me.
I'm not losing my hair, it has just relocated to different parts of my body.
I'm not forgetting things, it must be my kids are hiding things on me.
I still fit into my birthday suit even though it is now wrinkled and bulging in spots.
And I'm certain someone keeps washing all my clothes in extra hot water and is causing them to shrink.
I'm still as strong and as fast on my feet as I was at twenty, I think my kids must be cheating when we play basketball.
I eat Branflakes and drink prune juice because I like the taste.
And I tell the same stories over and over again because they are darned interesting.
Now ... what was it I we were talking about?

And now for something completely different - DOONESBURY -

What's Next

2005-11-06T12:44:00.000-05:00

What's next? Is there anything that a mature, consenting adult cannot do in the privacy of his or her own home?
My kids are forever coming home from school with ideas put into their heads by people, usually teachers who's salaries are paid for with my tax dollars, ideas that often impose on and contradict my own viewpoints.
First it was don't drink and drive or we'll call the police.
Next it was don't watch illegal satellite TV or we'll call the police.
Which progressed to don't do recreational drugs or we'll call the police.
And now it's don't steal from the collection basket in church or we'll call the police.
Fine, be a funsucker, but you can't have it all! Do what you will, you can't ever take away my Marie Osmond records!

Corporate Sponsorship

2005-11-04T12:19:00.000-05:00

Corporate sponsorship saved the town of Dresden when it was announced five years ago that the mighty Sydenham River was to be damned to create a new hydro electric generating station. It was widely accepted that this would be necessary if Dresden's energy needs were to be allowed to keep pace with projected energy consumption.
The only question was how could such a small town fund such an enormous program in an age when government sponsorship meant waiting for years to approve the construction of a ten thousand dollar skate park.
Dresden's own Think Tank, The Smarterthanyou Group, came up with the solution, a partner who has had over 75 years of experience in holding back floods and preventing disasters, a name that women know and trust, Tampax.

And now for something completely different - TONYA HARDING -

Out Of The Frying Pan

2005-11-04T11:17:00.000-05:00

Out of the frying pan and into the fire, that seems to be the fate of the family pet, Goldie. Being a fish isn't easy, especially when Daisy and Bad Mr. Kitty, our two cats, are constantly on the prowl for a quick snack.
Being a member of our family means being able to think fast, unfortunately plans of escape often do not go far enough and a bad situation can often take a turn for the worse. Who knew the fishbowl was flammable or that Goldie was even capable of starting a fire? Luckily for Goldie, she had an accomplice who helped get her out of danger and away
from the scene of the crime. How Goldie managed to get from her bowl, down a flight of stairs, out the back door and into the pool will always be a mystery and a marvel of ingenuity. As intelligent as the cats may seem, Goldie is that much smarter.
I wonder if the cats remembered about the pool shark? Or even worse, do the cats realize what will happen to them if Goldie's penpal Bloggie finds out they've been messing around with his buddy?

I've Got A Headache This Big

2005-10-29T20:04:00.000-04:00

I've got a headache this big and luckily for me my kids were eager to help me escape the pain. They suggested a long list of supposedly tried and true folk remedies ranging from drinking a glass of scotch to sticking my head in the freezer for an hour to putting Vic's Vaporub up my nose. I had serious misgivings about the last suggestion as I'm sure it would cause me more pain than what it could possibly alleviate.
We finally settled on accupuncture. No one knew exactly where to put the pins so each of my four children grabbed a handful of Grandma's sewing needles and took turns making me into a human pincushion.
The good news: My headache is gone.
The bad news: I can't feel anything below my neck.

And now for something completely different - MAD -

Lost: One Wife

2005-10-29T19:44:00.000-04:00

Lost: One Wife
Last seen holding a MasterCard searching for bargains at Walmart.
If spotted alert the proper authorities.
Do not try to apprehend her yourself as she is likely to be dazed and somewhat disoriented do to the slashing of all every day low prices.

Home Improvements

2005-10-28T18:29:00.000-04:00

Home improvements can be as simple as planting a few flowers along the side of the house or as extensive as building a new west wing. When my wife asked if she could hire someone to spruce things up I naturally assumed she meant nothing more than laying a cement slab for a backyard patio and BBQ since that was what we had been discussing.
Imagine my surprise when I got home from work today and walked down the driveway in plenty of time to witness the work in progress being orchestrated by The Dyslexic Brothers, Dresden's most underemployed and unsought-after building contractors.
The most incompetent of the bunch is naturally the building foreman, so when he could not decipher the top from the bottom of the blueprints, things got interesting real fast.
Maybe it is fitting as a monument to the most comically dysfunctional family on the block.

And now for something completely different - DRIBBLE GLASS -

Don't Disrespect Your Barber

2005-10-28T17:17:00.000-04:00

Don't disrespect your barber, especially if your barber is also your mother. You would think that The Boy would have learned that lesson by now. His first lesson in respect was done with a #7 Tupperware bowl, after being unusually mouthy his next lesson left him with the nickname of The Muffin Man. This afternoon's lesson left him with the kiss of the spiderwoman.
Don't ask what I've done to deserve my recent "balding".

Day Tripping

2005-10-23T15:17:00.000-04:00

Day tripping has replaced the traditional family vacation in my household as the expense is much less and my darling children, who can only stand being with my wife and me for short periods of time, elect to stay behind to clean their rooms and study.
The mode of transportation is simple and rather clever. We sit in a circle which has been drawn in the sand and ingest a fungus which grows on the compost pile located behind the garage.
Within minutes we are whisked away to all sorts of strange and unusual lands. The only drawback is the trip back home which usually results in a crash landing.

And now for something completely different - PERIODIC TABLE -

Exploring My Feminine Side

2005-10-23T12:01:00.000-04:00

Exploring my feminine side was something I challenged myself to do after sending out my most recent newsletter. For those of you who missed it, this is what the newsletter said:

Bonjour Mes Amis. (translation: S'up)
It has finally happened. I've fallen and I've hit rock bottom. Something has happened in my life that has made me feel more ashamed than I have ever felt before.
I'm not talking about the lonely chicken and the can of whipped cream.
I'm also not talking about the table of senior widows and my unexplained pants full of dollar bills.
It's not even the goat I have tied up in the backyard.
It's a movie, The Notebook. I actually watched it with my wife without complaining, not even once. Now that I have reached the lowest of the low, I now have nowhere to go but up.
I think if I stay drunk for three whole days and watch nothing but hockey and football, I may be able to reverse the brain damage. Please pray for me.

Foaming at the mouth,

Claude.

A loyal reader was kind enough to respond with the following:

OMG!
My sides hurt from laughing so hard!!!
Each time I've met you in person, although you're obviously masculine... I do sense a slight "feminine" quality about you! It's all good though! lol
For your entertainment, may I suggest, "The Sound Of Music?"
I think you'll enjoy it!

~ Maggie

I have taken the last few days off from my fatherly and husbandly duties to watch nothing but chic flics.
There was Titanic, Waiting To Exhale, Pretty Woman, Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and the grandmother of all chic flics - Gone With The Wind.
Even on my first day of non-stop viewing I realized something very important. I was very attracted to the female leads.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this opportunity to come out of the closet and confess, I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

Just Say No

2005-10-22T00:41:00.000-04:00

Just say no and that may be the most important lesson your child will ever learn. The trick is for you, the adult, to know when to say no and to be able to stick to that decision without giving in to the child's continuous pleading, begging, whining and other assorted temper tantrums. For those of you who simply cannot say no to your child, follow along and I give you a few real life examples.

Q. Daddy, can I get a tattoo?
A. Look the child straight in the eye, maintain eye contact, without blinking for 30 seconds or more and then say no.

Q. Daddy, can I get a face piercing?
A. Remove your belt from your trousers, stand up slowly from your favourite chair, crack your knuckles, slowly start counting backward from ten and warn the child to be gone before you have to say no.

Q. Daddy, can I file my teeth to points?
A. Offer to do this for your child yourself, with sandpaper. Go out to the tool shed and start throwing things at the walls, all the while cursing the child's name. If you can now find the child, remind the child it is still not too late to say no.

Q. Daddy, can I have stainless steel horns surgically implanted into my skull?
A. Go back out to the tool shed and return with the nail gun. Nail the television set to the wall. Your child should be able to deduct the answer is no without further prompting.

Q. Daddy, can I get a tattoo, face piercings, file my teeth, get stainless steel horns implanted into my skull, as well as having my tongue surgically altered to a point, cat eye contact lenses, razor sharp claws adhered to my fingertips and have my name legally changed to Bad Mr. Kitty?
A. Go ask your mother.

And now for something completely different - KILL BLOGSPOT -

A and B

2005-10-22T00:36:00.000-04:00

A and B are different colours, right?

Wrong. The A & B squares are actually the same colour. Make a wager your friends, nothing big, say a flat screen plasma TV or their next six months allowance.
Use some sort of colour identifying software such as Colour Picker from Object Desktop and hover your cursor over each square.
The shadow from the green cylinder gives the illusion that B is lighter than A when both are actually coloured 108, 108, 108.

George Bush

2005-10-16T01:48:00.000-04:00

George Bush, Usama Bin Ladin and
the Anti-Christ walk into a bar ...

We've all heard the one about the priest, the rabbi and the stewardess as well as the cheerleader, the pig and the penguin. Now it's your turn to be funny and original. I've given you the opening line and now all you have to do is finish the joke. Please keep in mind that George, Usama and the Anti-Christ are actually three different people, the only similarity is that they are all registered republicans.
Remember America, we're not laughing at you, we're laughing ... uh ... oh yeah, we are laughing at you!

And now for something completely different - IFILM -

Prescription Drugs

2005-10-16T01:20:00.000-04:00

Prescription drugs have become so widespread and acceptable in today's society that no one even bats an eye when a friend or co-worker mentions their script for reds, yellows or blues.
Is it just me being paranoid or do I have the right to be worried about the fellow working next to me being high as a kite and operating heavy machinery ... and not sharing their meds with me.
I mentioned to my wife that I was not feeling well and she said I was still to young to be "put down" as the mortgage was not yet paid. She suggested I get a checkup and made an appointment for me to see my family physician, Dr. Payne.
I told him I was constantly tired without being able to sleep, worried about the state of the economy and the direction the world has taken and not having enough time for my wife and kids. Quick as a bunny, he had me over to the pharmacy to try out the new wonder drug, FUKitol, a cross between Viagra, metha-amphetamine and quaalude.
Needless to say I am no longer worried about the sky falling, I sleep like a baby, have energy to get things done around the house, and quicker. I also have more time for my wife.
As for the kids, what kids? I'm medicated now!

Bird Flu

2005-10-15T11:08:00.000-04:00

Bird flu has become the scourge of the scientific community as being the next worldwide pandemic ( Epidemic over a wide geographical area ). The good doctors from the Dresden Research Facility have been working day and night to develop a vacine to safeguard the world's population from near extinction. As of yet the results have been somewhat mixed.
The good news is that with the serum, certain death can be avoided. The bad news is the serum may also cause a complete loss of feathers to birds as well as total baldness to humans.
Further trials are needed to determine if antibodies can be developed to prevent the formation of unsightly moles and moustaches, as well as the enlargement of the front teeth.

Eureka

2005-10-15T10:42:00.000-04:00

Eureka they've done it! My four children have successfully cloned themselves. Not individually but as a single entity. The details are sketchy as the procedure is still hush-hush. Basically what they did was take a single hair from each of their heads and selected certain DNA strands from each follicle, they then added the DNA to a blanked egg and inserted the egg into a host monkey. After 9 nerve wracking months a healthy baby girl was born.
The child has The Boy's appetite, my oldest daughters stubborness, my middle daughter's dark hair and my youngest daughter's independence.
For now the child is unnamed and will be raised by Astro in complete secrecy until we can determine how we are going to explain her to the authorities when she is old enough to start school.

And now for something completely different - AUDIOSLAVE -

At Long Last

2005-10-09T22:43:00.000-04:00

At long last I have the proof I need that my children are not human, not even of this world.
I was sitting at the kitchen table this morning chatting with The Boy and instead of getting the usual one syllable answers to my witty and indepth questions, I got silence. He was like a toy who's batteries had run out.
When his head fell to the table and made a bone-crunching thud I saw something that I had never noticed before. On the back of his head, partially hidden by his hockey hair, there appeared to be a cover plate with some sort of alien serial numbers stamped on it. As I removed the plate for further inspection, two AA Duracells fell out. Further investigation lead to an on/off switch.
I have yet to replace his batteries and I plan to switch my daughters off while they sleep. I don't plan on telling my wife about my discovery but I think I will surprise her with a month long South Pacific cruise. The money I save on food and "teen sitters" should just about cover the cost of the tickets.

Leftovers

2005-10-09T22:09:00.000-04:00

Leftovers have a way of accumulating in the refrigerator. You know how it is, you get home late from the bar and order takeout. It shows up at the door, you pay for it, you're too drunk to eat it so you throw it on the bottom shelf and then pass out on the bathroom floor. The food is forgotten about seemingly forever.
The first weekend its Italian, the next Chinese, followed by three different fast foods and the occasional can of catfood.
Since we are all slobs by nature and the food isn't covered by something as simple as Saran Wrap and we never, ever bother to clean the fridge out, what happens to the leftovers?
The discoverers of penicillin will tell you about how mold and fungi can grow and prosper in the darkest and most inhospitable of conditions. What they won't tell you is what happens when the mold and fungi mutate and create new life forms.
Boys and girls, the time to throw out the leftovers is now before you grow your very own Marilyn Manson. If that's not enough to scare you then stop to think about that blue cheese salad dressing you had last week. Didn't you buy Caesar salad dressing?

And now for something completely different - UPSITE DOWN -

Woe Is Me

2005-10-08T12:12:00.000-04:00

Woe is me. I was a bad boy at work and I got sent to the principal's office ... oops, I mean to my Personnel Manager's office.
Why is it that as a grown man I can be made to feel like a ten year old schoolboy who got caught yanking a little girl's ponytails? The answer is easy! Once you step into her office you come face to face with someone who has the awesome power of Santa Claus and God's right hand all rolled into one. Not only does she know if I've been naughty or nice, she also has the ability to fire me on the spot. Rumour has it that she fills in for the Creator when he is away on holidays.
Maybe she doesn't know about our water pistol wars or the elastic band fights which I may or may not be responsible for. If that's what it is then I hope my kids don't find out. I also don't think it's the Sunshine Girl posters that I have taped to my toolbox. If that's what it is then I hope my wife doesn't find out. With a little luck she may just be asking me for my cheesecake recipe.
If worse comes to worst, I'll just roll up into a ball and start crying like a baby and then blame everything on my boss.

Fatal User Error

2005-10-08T11:17:00.000-04:00

Fatal User Error, what am I supposed to do now? My operating disc is lost or stolen, my banking and other vital personal information have not been saved or backed up for months and the last five phone calls to Tech Support have been answered by people who speak neither English or French.
Mr. Gates, please, I'm begging you, if you can offer a System Restore feature for Windows, would you also be able to include a Go Back In Time button for the standard keyboard?

Bloggie

2005-10-06T19:23:00.000-04:00

Bloggie the Sea Serpent has not been herself lately. At first frightening, Bloggie and I have become pretty good friends over the summer. For some strange reason, stranger even than the fact that she is the only inland fresh water Sea Serpent in North America, Bloggie has been moaning and groaning since late August. I had been trying to lure her to me with her favourite treat, rancid fish guts, with little success. I finally got her to come to me today by offering her a bit of possum road kill that I scraped off of the highway. She then let me pet her for awhile and even check out her teeth. ( have you ever stuck your head in a 35 foot long prehistoric creature's mouth? ). It was then that I discovered the source of her discomfort. It would seem one of her incisors was being pushed out by a new tooth. Wow! Bloggie is still just a baby and she is now getting her first adult tooth. If she gets any bigger I'll have to move her into Lake St. Clair.

And now for something completely different - PARANORMAL -

Motor City Technology

2005-10-06T18:09:00.000-04:00

Motor City technology hit its lowest point in its nearly 100 years of production when the new standard for fuel gauges was displayed at the recent Detroit Auto Show. As the average car buyer will cringe when filling their tanks, gas and oil companies are sure to have cause for celebration.

Cowboy

2005-10-01T19:04:00.000-04:00

Cowboy, the adult magazine for the sophisticated bovine has rented out one of my barns to do a photospread for next month's special issue, the Cows of Dresden.
While nudity is never something to be ashamed of, most bulls will agree that they read the magazine for its indepth articles.
Shown here is Bossie, a Taurus who enjoys long walks through grassy pastures and a farmer's firm hand. Turn-ons include a bull who is not afraid to show his feminine side and a gentle udder massage.

And now for something completely different - BATBOY -

My Father

2005-10-01T11:13:00.000-04:00

My father asked me if I could help him update his home computer as he felt it is running just a little too slow for today's software requirements. I don't know what surprises me the most, the fact this this ancient vacuum tube behemoth is still running or that Dad has been trying with little success to download the patch to Doom III for the last two weeks and it is still only a quarter of the way completed.

Leonardo DaVinci

2005-09-29T21:31:00.000-04:00

Leonardo DaVinci was a man of solitude and intrigue, an inventer, artist and a member of high society. What is not well known is that he was also a prankster and class clown.
While the Mona Lisa was being restored at The Louvre in Paris, France, a technician accidentally knocked a can of paint thinner onto the masterpiece.
What was revealed was not only a suprise to the workman but also a shock to the artworld. It would seem that the secret to Mona Lisa's mysterious smile is that she is really a he.

Elmo

2005-09-29T19:14:00.000-04:00

Elmo is sweeping the nation as the newest fad amongst teenage boys. The trend involves listening to wuss punk, bed wetting, wearing their sister's underwear, crying spells, having fabulous hair and actually wanting to know how their girlfriends spent the day.
Elmos tend to be wannabees with few or no friends. As they are social rejects the Elmo suicide rate is statisticly the highest in the country for males aged 14-21.
It is believed that a sharp blow to the head can cure the Elmo or at least bring one to its senses.
Hug an Elmo and make the world a happier place.

And now for something completely different - QUIZILLA -

Reality TV

2005-09-24T13:25:00.000-04:00

Reality TV at its best is coming to a television near you. The same people that brought you The Osbourne's, Big Brother, Survivor and American Idol are proud to present Life In Dresden. Watch The Boy lounge in his housecoat playing video games and then graze in the refrigerator, see the girls apply makeup and hear them ask "does this make me look fat?". Watch Mom and I look dazed and confused as our children change from humanlike to their true alien forms.
The very same TV technicians who installed my home theatre are back to lay the cables and install the hidden cameras. Even though they promised not to damage anything my walls look like Swiss cheese. I didn't complain when they installed a camera above my bed but I did lay down the law when I found a camera in the bathroom. Somethings should always remain private.

And now for something completely different - TV.EXE -

Few Are Called

2005-09-24T12:12:00.000-04:00

Few are called, even fewer answer. I was raised with the belief that if I thought I could do a better job than someone else then I should go ahead and do it. If I couldn't then I should just keep my mouth shut. After sitting idly by for the past three administrations my opportunity to make this a better world has arrived. There is currently an opening for my Vice President. Anyone interested?

Seances

2005-09-23T14:15:00.000-04:00

Seances are not something to be toyed with. If I've told my daughters once, I've told them a thousand times, "stop annoying Satan!". But do they listen? Nooooooooo!
It would seem they found the spell book and candles hidden under my wife's side of the bed and recited the incantation that opens up a portal from Hell. How am I supposed to hide this from the neighbours? I can't blame everything on the new people next door.

Sibling Rivalry

2005-09-23T13:49:00.001-04:00

Sibling rivalry can take on many forms, grades in school, athletic performance but mostly behavior at and away from home. Those are the main reasons we like to think of as explainations as to why our children behave the way they do. What we don't want to admit, to ourselves or anyone else, is that maybe, just maybe, our children are not that bright.
I don't want to name names but just the other day I caught two of my darlings going to extremes to outdo one another.
I took them aside before they were able to complete their stunts and explained that I love them for who and what they are and that they had nothing to prove to me. I also mentioned that their life insurance policy doesn't cover this sort of thing.

And now for something completely different - WEB GALLERY -

Dr. Claude

2005-09-22T13:15:00.000-04:00

Dr. Claude knows your pain. As a husband and father of four I am qualified to answer all of your questions ranging from exorcism to euthanasia.
The road to healing is through sharing. I will answer any and all posts in order to help you understand that as a man and a parent, it's not your fault. It's THEM.
Don't waste a moment in needless doubt, post today!

College Life

2005-09-22T12:56:00.000-04:00

College life has turned my oldest daughter into a brand new person. Never again will she hear the words "clean up your room" or "pick up your dirty clothes" and especially "call if you're going to be late".
Like any good parent I would make sure my oldest always had a quarter tucked away in her shoe in case she needed to make an emergency call home. That quarter has turned into this emergency post-party ID card.
Now all I have to worry about is the boys who also live in her dormitory.

And now for something completely different - DRESDEN METEORITE -

Home Theatre

2005-09-18T11:05:00.000-04:00

Home Theatre
56 inch HDTV
Satellite Receiver
7.1 Surround Sound
Universal Remote
6 Theatre Chairs
On-screen TV Guide
Bucket of Popcorn
Total cost: $15,497.16

The installation technician has just left the house and I am ready to devote the rest of this Saturday afternoon to watching cartoons, pay-per-view dogsledding, Baywatch dubbed in Norwegian or one of seemingly hundreds of movie channels.
All I have to do now is hit the power button and ... what the %$#@? Snow ... and a test pattern ... a very old test pattern! ... on every channel! No, it can't be ... I've just spent all morning and a rather large fortune to get everything set up and running. The TV guy even gave me his word that everything would work just like it used too. Used too? Where's the trouble shooting manual?
I guess they must have seen me coming, right here in small print it says "in order to save you, the customer, high start-up fees and monthly subscription costs, our signal is bounced off of Jupiter's moon Europa, then Pluto and back to your receiver. We cannot be held responsible for any delay or degradation the originating signal may experience."
Looking on the bright side, if I wait another 20 years I'll be able to watch Elvis Presley and The Beatles appear on The Ed Sullivan Show for the very first time.

And now for something completely different - HUMAN CLOCK -

Morality Test

2005-09-18T07:16:00.000-04:00

Morality Test
There is never anything funny about the deliberate mistreatment of furry little creatures such as strapping hamsters to remote controlled airplanes or covering a kitten's nose with peanut butter.
I do hereby apologize for finding the missing dog's head funny. It is just one more reason that I feel I will be going to Hell. At least you will be there with me!

The Genetic Recycling Plant

2005-09-16T13:35:00.000-04:00

The Genetic Recycling Plant has opened its doors in Dresden this week to provide a brand new service to the community, an opportunity to dispose of and then re-engineer those unwanted children who do not quiet reach our own personal standards of outer beauty and physical perfection.
Whether the child's deformity stems from inferior genetic material received from either parent or an accident at birth, our unique patented process can provide you with the son or daughter you've always wanted.
For the first time ever you can even program who and what your child will become. Choose from our wide selection of DNA donors or opt for our Secret Blend of scholars and athletes.
Call now at 1-800-288-8459 (1-800-BUT-UGLY) for your free, no obligation, at-home consultation.

And now for something completely different - WIRED -

Creationism vs. Evolution

2005-09-16T12:52:00.000-04:00

Creationism vs. Evolution, the battle continues. Did God create man or did man create God.
In order to settle this debate once and for all let's look at the facts.

1) Micheal Jackson
2) Reality TV
3) Rap Music
4) George Bush
5) Chic Flics
6) Teenage Fashions
7) Body Piercings
8) Taxes
9) Cellular Phone Plans

The above are obviously works of the Devil and therefore, if the Devil exists, so must God.
Feel free to comment one way or the other on this issue.
Remember, at all times, I'm right and you're wrong.

Naughty Or Nice

2005-09-11T15:34:00.000-04:00

Naughty or nice, Santa has already made his list and he's checked it twice. If you're one of those people who think you can change your behavior a week before Christmas and get all the things on your wish list, think again.
Santa wakes up from his New Year's hangover during the first few days of September and he's never in a good mood. You would be cranky to if you had to sleep in a barn full of reindeer. Mrs. Claus kicked his sorry butt out of the house years ago after catching him in a compromising position under the mistletoe with one of his junior elves. As a result of his sore back and sour disposition, very few children are ever placed on his good list.
My advice to you is don't change your actions for anyone but yourself and if you are ever far enough up north, stop in and pay a visit to Mrs. Claus. She has the real power to decide what you are getting for Christmas.

And now for something completely different - WIKIPEDIA -

A Suspicious Person's Report

2005-09-11T15:16:00.000-04:00

A Suspicious Person's Report was left anonymously in my mailbox this afternoon. The police sketch is obviously of one of my children, which one I don't know as I never could tell them apart when they are in their natural form.
The attached memo was most helpful stating that the culprit was last seen eating pizza slices out of a dumpster behind Burn's restaurant. To avoid any possible embarrassment I won't mention his name ... oops ... I may have said too much already!

Her First Dance

2005-09-09T18:30:00.000-04:00

Her first dance
of the year is tonight and my youngest daughter has been getting ready for it since the moment she got home from school.
I had a little chat with her about the importance of being herself, about not trying to be someone else just to impress some boy. I told her how to avoid awkward situations, to never be left unchaperoned and then I gave her a quarter just in case she had to call early for a ride home.
But most important of all, I gave her a Midol because I know the real child and I don't want any possible suitors to see the dark side of my daughter until it is to late.
After all, I do want her to move out and get married when she is finished college.

And now for something completely different - FARTS -

Danger

2005-09-09T16:22:00.000-04:00

Danger. This webpage may contain an active black hole. Do not put your face too close to or sit too near to your monitor as you may be sucked into the Internet. In the event that this happens you may experience complete demolecularization and then being reconstituted as a virus or worm. If this does occur you may then be permanently deleted. Continue viewing at your own risk.

Thank you,
Please come again!

The People From The Other Side

7:00 am Tuesday September 6th

2005-09-06T07:00:00.000-04:00

7:00 am, Tuesday, September 6th. The house is a flurry of activity. Five alarm clocks went off in unison, three went sailing across bedrooms to smash into walls. One child actually sounds happy, two are groaning and it's a safe bet to say one is already back asleep. Then comes the sounds of three teenage girls fighting for the right to shower first and then ownership over a limited amount of bathroom counterspace in front of the mirror and snoring as The Boy has fallen asleep for the second time this morning.
Mom and I jump out of bed with grins on our faces as our house arrest ... er ... summer vacation is over and everyone must hurry to look their best for their first day back to school.
One is going to rule in her final year of public school, two are going into their first year of high school and one is going off to college to explore new and wonderful ways to spend my money.
It's a safe bet that not one of them did any of their recommended summer reading as it would have interfered with watching Much Music videos.
That's okay, Mom and I are free until Christmas holidays.
Crack open the champagne and let the celebrations begin!

And now for something completely different - GOOGLE TALK -

The Best Offence

2005-09-06T06:30:00.000-04:00

The best offence is a good defence. Since the local pidgeons have been trying to take over the neighbourhood, I went out and hired some local muscle to deal with the problem. It has been my experience that you never mess with an angry Beach Chicken. They also work for next to nothing. And if the Beach Chickens get out of hand, I'll just get the local crows to move in.

Helping With Homework

2005-09-02T23:28:00.000-04:00

Helping with homework is every parent's worst nightmare. Let's face it, we've been out of school ourselves for ten, twenty, maybe even thirty or more years and the ciriculum just isn't the same. When I was in school we didn't use calculators, we used our fingers and toes. History was a breeze as it was still curent events.
I've tried to make myself smarter to keep up with my kids, everything from taking handfuls of ginkgo biloba to improve memory functions to reading all the answer cards for Trivia Pursuit.
One of my kids got to thinking that in cartoons when someone comes up with an idea a light bulb appears over their heads. She then fine-tuned my Shop Vac to operate with my vegetable bag shrink wrapper. The plan was to suck all the intelligence out of the atmosphere and replace the vacuum in a lightbulb which I was holding with random thoughts and untried plans and schemes.
Let me tell you, if a vacuum is strong enough it can suck anything into anywhere. Whatever you do, don't try this at home. And will someone please get me out of here?

The Battle Has Begun

2005-09-02T23:07:00.000-04:00

The battle has begun and it's not going to be pretty. A new by-law was passed in town making it illegal to feed the pidgeons in the park. No popcorn, no peanuts, not a single bread crumb is to be left for our fine feathered friends and they're not taking this lying down.
They're converging on the rooftops, in the highest trees, anywhere that we can't get at them and when the time is right, down they come. No car is safe, no statue, no sidewalk and anyone caught walking without an umbrella pays the price.
What's a man to do? One thing is for sure, don't be staring at the clouds with your mouth open.

And now for something completely different - GOBLER TOYS -

Pimp My Toaster

2005-09-01T23:00:00.000-04:00

Pimp My Toaster and the Hot Hunnies found this antique toast maker at a yard sale and got it with a final bid of just one dollar. No expense was spared on this one of a kind project.

We knew right away that we could turn this go-nowhere bread warmer into a fine ride if we just put our minds to it. All it would take is a little elbow grease and lots of TLC.

We took this ugly duckling into the chop shop and started our magic. With a twist and bend here and a bit of polished chrome there, things started to get hot under the hood.

With the help of a few guys from the neighbourhood, this baby turned into one fine looking turbo-charged metalic swan.

This ride makes toast from white bread to golden brown in just 20 seconds flat.

Polish everything up with generous amounts of warm melted butter and things will start to happen. This toaster is just to hot to handle.

Mad Cow

2005-09-01T11:51:00.000-04:00

Mad Cow has been discovered in a young bull in the Dresden area. Said cow is a loner, angry at the world and likely to stampede at any given moment. The bovine in question escaped confinement and was last seen heading for the county line. If seen, do not try to apprehend, rather call the proper authorities. Any attempts to milk this animal will be done at great personal risk and peril.

And now for something completely different - PATENTLY SILLY -

The Dangers Of Sunbathing

2005-08-28T13:29:00.000-04:00

The dangers of sunbathing cannot be stressed enough. Along with the depletion of the ozone layer comes the added risk of developing melanoma, a potentially fatal form of skin cancer caused by over-exposure to the sun's ultra-violet rays.
My daughters discovered a danger of their own when the three of them spent a hot summer's afternoon on the beach and the youngest fell asleep only to awaken in the knick of time before a hungry turkey vulture had her face for lunch.
If that isn't enough to scare you, how about developing sun-damaged skin resembling the interior of a Cadillac. That is not a hot look for an 18 year old unless you are auditioning for the sequel of The Mummy.

A Rebuttal

2005-08-28T12:15:00.000-04:00

A Rebuttal by Claude Poirier

It has come to my attention that there are those who are saying that something's wrong with me and that one of me is crazy. I have chosen this moment to dispel the rumours once and for all.
First of all, I rarely mow the lawn naked, there was only that one time last winter when I was feeling confused and disoriented.
Secondly, I eat catfood because it's inexpensive and tastes good, not because I get into arguments with my cats and want to punish them.
And I DO NOT hear voices in my head telling me what to do. The man living in my thumb is as real as you or me. His name is Stanley, he enjoys playing Scrabble, is engaged to my big toe, Selma, sleeps in his own mitten and volunteers for the 911 Suicide Help Line.

And now for something completely different - GARBAGEPAIL KIDS -

Poetic Justice

2005-08-27T20:49:00.000-04:00

Poetic justice, karma, the hand of God or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, this fella has one heck of a surprice waiting for him when he come out of the O.R. It seems he most likely took the wrong turn at the Ambassador Bridge in Windsor and somehow ended up here in Dresden, the home of Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin.
In dire need of a blood transfusion, I wonder if he will still boast about his ancestors from the Mayflower?

The Moon's Surface

2005-08-27T20:24:00.000-04:00

The Moon's surface is virtually unchanged from the days when our remotest ancestors still lived in caves. Without an atmosphere there are no winds to erode the rocky makeup of our only natural satellite. If it were not for the occassional meteorite, the Moon would be a perfectly round ball of dust orbiting our Earth for eternity.
So what happens when some clumsy astronaut goes leaping around, leaving footprints behind? From the makers of the Canadarm and the creators of Hockey Night In Canada comes the Lunar Zamboni.
Hello outerspace, goodbye messy disgrace!

The Undead

2005-08-26T11:42:00.000-04:00

The Undead walk again by night. Skin hanging off the bone, internal organs past the point of failure, hearts long ago stopped beating and crawling on all fours as they no longer have the strength to walk upright.
They were brought through a portal to the land of the living by my children who were playing with an old Ouija board that one of them found in the back of my bedroom closet. I know how dangerous it is to be playing with evil spirits who have yet to go over to the other side, I've had my own battle with telemarketers But kids being kids, they had to find out for themselves. What they've brought back is more horrifying than anything imaginable, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Ron Wood and Charlie Watts, The Rolling Stones. Won't those guys ever rest in peace!?

One Of Me Is Crazy

2005-08-26T11:19:00.000-04:00

One of me is crazy. Or at least my wife thinks so. She has been telling me for years now that something is wrong with me. Personally I don't see a problem with me, myself and I getting together to discuss a problem or even just to have a few beers and raise hell. As I see it, we've always been very close and rarely go without speaking to one another. Decisions are always made as a group and we never keep secrets from ourselves or gossip about the others.
Now ... if I could only remember where I left my medication.

And now for something completely different - BOINC -

Vampires

2005-08-21T14:03:00.000-04:00

Vampires have invaded my neighbourhood. Not the sort that hide by day, avoiding sunlight and preying on the blood of young maidens, rather the kind that hide in the shadows waiting for their victims to enter the privacy of their own backyards. Once spotted, the vampires will at first disarm their intended victim by offering gifts of garden fresh tomatoes and lettuce and then attack by offering all sorts of unwanted advice from how best to mow the lawn to how to properly raise children (even though their own have moved thousands of miles away).
I have learned that garlic and holy water will not repell these creatures. What I have discovered is their hatred of amplified electric guitars.
I now carry a silver whistle on a golden chain around my neck, a whistle that only The Boy can hear. If ever I am in danger, a single note from the whistle will bring my son running. A quick rendition of Van Halen's "Running With The Devil" sends the undead streetdemons back to the depths of hell from which they came.

Oops

2005-08-21T13:24:00.000-04:00

Oops, I'm so embarrassed.
I've always thought of myself as being a good neighbour and I find it hard to say no when someone asks me for help. I was outside cutting the grass when I heard my name being called. It was the pretty young thing from across the road. She was speaking to me through her kitchen window. She said she wanted my opinion on a few things she had purchased as a surprise for her husband who was due to be released from prison in a few short weeks. How could I say no?
As I entered her home she led me down the hallway to her bedroom. Once there, she asked if I would tell her which new piece of lingerie I liked best. Always the gentleman, I immediately turned red, letting her know that in no certain terms my being there was totally inappropriate and then turned to leave. Before I could reach the door I heard from around the corner, a man's voice, "Guess who got an early release?"

And now for something completely different - MONTY -

Love Potion #9

2005-08-20T23:04:00.000-04:00

Love Potion #9
Ladies, there is a quick and easy way to get that man to temporarily see you in a new and more flattering light. And it's readily available to any person of the age of majority. This wonder brew comes from just south of the American border, from the desert regions of Mexico. What I am talking about is the fermented juices of the agave cactus, tequila!
Simply apply one 26 oz. bottle of papalomé along with one tequila worm to the potential suitor and for the next 2-4 hours you will have a match made in heaven.
Be aware that side effects may include dizziness, loud and monotonous boasting and broken promises as well as vomiting and eventually, unconsciousness and bed-wetting.

Hot Enough For You

2005-08-20T22:36:00.000-04:00

Hot enough for you?
Or it's not the heat, it's the humidity.
I don't care how much of a sun worshipper you are, you have to agree, this summer has been just too darned hot. Day after day records have been shattered with the mercury climbing even higher than ever before. And somehow that is the good news. The bad news is what follows. Gentlemen, get your snow shovels out as winter is only three short months away and with it comes snow drifts and blizzards and white-outs and black ice and frozen fingers and toes.
Brr ... I can hardly wait for next summer!

And now for something completely different - GSOURCE -

Confessions Of A Sex Addict

2005-08-19T15:11:00.000-04:00

Confessions Of A Sex Addict
I was a child star and I was used to getting what I wanted. When I was just four or five it was bubblegum and chocolate, as a teenager it was the latest video games. I was spoiled and rich and a jerk. No one ever said no. It's not suprising that once I became a young adult that I turned my abusive nature from childish things to women. All sorts of women. Young women, old women, green women, even fuzzy women. I didn't care, they were all the same to me. I think I got the first hint that I was out of control when my producer caught me in bed with his starlet wife, Pam Somethingoranother. He fired me off the set but what did I care, I had another job by weeks end. I tried to justify my actions, after all it wasn't drugs or booze, it was just a bit of bought and paid for loving. The years went by and nothing changed. Except maybe for me. I wasn't as soft and cuddly as I once was and I was slowly being replaced by some up-and-coming star, a red haired freak named Elmo. I guess I hit rock bottom when I was invited to appear on a talkshow, Jerry Springer I think it was. My ego was so big I thought I was up for some sort of award, you know, an Emmy or something. My world crashed down around me when I was brought out on stage to be greeted by a couple of old stand-bys from another network, Debbie and Suzy. They told me that I just wasn't man enough for them and they preferred each other's company. I ran off stage leaving lint balls everywhere. I guess some lessons just have to be learned to hard way.

Next week "Ernie" will discuss his passion for rubber duckies".

Seconal Street

2005-08-19T14:15:00.000-04:00

Seconal Street is brought to you by
the letters A and K and the numbers 4 and 7.

Sunny day,
Gonna blow someone away,
On my way,
To where the Ho's are sweet,
Can ya tell me how to get,
How to get to Seconal Street,
How to get to Seconal Street.

And now for something completely different - NEED MY SPACE -

Forever Young

2005-08-14T12:24:00.000-04:00

Forever young with the beauty of innocence. That's what my mother-in-law got from the gypsy trader who stopped by last month. After my trade-in deal with the children fell through (they hid under the porch for five days straight), the old gypsy fellow made a swap with my wife's mother instead. In exchange for a pint of her royal blood, she received a pair of enchanted earings which gives the viewer the illusion of youth, and a sense of vigour for whoever wears them.
It's nice to see Gram so happy, but if one more young man calls after midnight ...

My New Shoes

2005-08-14T11:14:00.000-04:00

My new shoes arrived in the mail yesterday. I went online at the Nike website and customized my very own pair to suit my individual taste and style, including having my name embroidered on the tongue. (Nike Free Trainer 5.0 may not be exactly as shown)
You can skimp on jeans and shirts, cut corners on socks and underwear, you can even run around naked, but you just can't beat a quality pair of shoes.
Run barefoot, run Nike Free!

And now for something completely different - AMERICAN MONSTERS -

Mohawk And A Nose Ring

2005-08-13T19:34:00.000-04:00

Mohawk and a nose ring? Decisions, decisions. My oldest daughter and her boyfriend were going to a punk rock/noise fest and she wanted to look the part so they fretted for days, what to wear? Her boyfriend was cool with the idea of a nose ring as he would more easily be able to lead her around. A mohawk was tempting as well since it would allow her maximum freedom and self-control. In the end the mohawk won out. Somehow the expression "beauty is only skin deep" does not apply here.

The Worst Job Ever

2005-08-13T19:13:00.000-04:00

The worst job ever, even worse than the pooper-scooper job at the circus, would be the job I got last summer during my plant's summer shutdown. Imagine the tallest building in the city. Now imagine the radio tower at the top of that building. Now imagine what happens when the little red lightbulb at the top of the tower at the top of the building burns out. Now you're starting to get the idea! This is definitely not a job for the faint-hearted.

And now for something completely different - BEYOND THE LOTR -

Lazy Hazy Crazy Days Of Summer

2005-08-11T16:40:00.000-04:00

Lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer. There's nothing like them. And there's nothing more enjoyable than friends and family getting together for a summertime family reunion and BBQ. We all got into the van and headed to the mountains for a weekend get-away with all the other assorted Poirier's and ended up at Camp Snap-Em. Everything was going smooth until the inevitable tragedy. This week's sacrifice was The Boy and the family jewels. Luckily for all involved there was a doctor present and thanks to some quick handywork, everything was sewed back on. Plus The Boy got some gator skin boots as a souvenir.

Due To Technical Difficulties

2005-08-11T16:07:00.000-04:00

Due to technical difficulties this blog is temporarily off the air. Do not adjust your browser settings as the problem will be fixed momentarily. In the meantime feel free to read a book, take a walk, talk with a friend or spend some time with a loved one. After all, there is more to life than just the Internet.

And now for something completely different - SAVE OUR TOONS -

Reanimated Animation

2005-08-07T14:16:00.000-04:00

Reanimated animation, a cutting-edge technology developed by my three youngest children took a turn for the worse this morning when their Mother's favourite cartoon character, Winnie The Pooh, was taken from the television screen and then exposed to our atmosphere.
While the procedure does indeed work, the celuloid make-up of the extracted being reacts with the high oxygen content of the surrounding air and the newly introduced organism immediately succumbs to its poisonous environment.

Sexual Harasment Policy

2005-08-07T14:02:00.000-04:00

Sexual Harasment Policy of Life In Dresden

Sexual harassment is specifically prohibited because it is unlawful and against company policy. In addition, Life In Dresden is responsible for taking action against sexual harassing conduct. Life In Dresden will take action regardless of whether the specific acts complained of were sanctioned or specifically forbidden, and whether Life In Dresden knew — or should have known — of their occurrence.

If you think you are being harassed, report the behavior to me, the owner and webmaster of Life In Dresden, Claude Poirier. All such complaints will be treated in the strictest confidence and will be promptly investigated.

Any employee who engages in harassing behavior is subject to disciplinary measures up to, and including, termination.

And now for something completely different - WORLD JUMP DAY -

Bad Mr. Kitty

2005-08-06T22:30:00.000-04:00

Bad Mr. Kitty came home from the vet's last weekend and I am happy to announce that her evilness has been reduced by over 50%. She had things done to her by a highly paid team of witchdoctors, voodoo priestess', personal trainers and even a motivational speaker, things that would make a grown man cringe.
I expect her to be back to tearing apart the living room curtains by weeks' end which means her procedures were a success. The only complaint I have with the vets' office is that they actually thought it was necessary to give her catnip. Isn't it odd that they would give Satan's Little Helper something that would make her wilder? Does that stuff ever wear off? And I certainly hope it was free!
Q. How does a free kitten turn into a $600 expense? Now I can't even follow through on my threat to drop her off at the nearest farm the next time she shreds another pair of shoelaces.
I should have gotten goldfish instead.

Martha Stewart Living

2005-08-06T21:25:00.000-04:00

Martha Stewart Living - Special Edition - I was at a yard sale today and I bought a cardboard box of comic books and magazines for the ever popular price of twenty five cents. You know how yard sales go, you pay a ridiculously low price for something you don't really want or need and if you are lucky you get something that almost makes it worth your while getting up out of bed so early on a Saturday morning.
What did I get? There are three dog-eared vintage issues of Mad magazine without their folding covers, a dozen or so Spiderman and Bat Man comic books that look like they were once used to line a birdcage, the November 1960 issue of Playboy minus the centerfold, the Burt Renold's issue of Cosmopolitan with the centerfold and a back issue of Martha Stewart Living.
It's good to know that poor old Martha managed to survive her imprisonment in Alderson Federal Prison Camp, aka Camp Cupcake. What's a billionairess to do with so much free time while locked away in jail? Repent? Find Jesus? Send tasteful notes of apology to all those she has wronged? How about make new contacts in the world of organizes crime?
Now that Martha is out on the street she is richer and more popular than ever. I'm sure that she has learned her lesson, which is what? Oh yes, crime does pay!

And now for something completely different - GOTHIC MARTHA -

The Next One To Learn

2005-08-04T20:13:00.000-04:00

The next one to learn how to drive is my middle daughter. Her older brother and sister were both eager to get behind the wheel. For reasons of her own my middle child just refuses to learn even the simplest aspects of driving, like looking where she's going or or the concept of not speeding, especially in a residential area.
The other two learned how to drive after a mishap or two of their own but this one is going to be the most difficult by far. After being ticketed repeatedly for speeding in a school zone by the local police force, town council voted unanimously to post a warning sign just down the street from us, right by the crosswalk.

Everyone Loves Raymond

2005-08-04T19:46:00.000-04:00

Everyone Loves Raymond - The Unknown Season Finale, took an unexpected twist when rather than going with a dream sequence to explain away the many years that the show was broadcast on television, as was already done by Dallas and Newhart, Ray and Debra decide to play a prank on Marie.
Debra calls Marie into the room on the pretext of asking for some womanly advice. Meanwhile, Ray is hiding behind the kitchen door with what he thinks is a prop butcher knife. With one mighty whack, off comes Marie's head.
Being the professionals that they are, Ray and Debra continue with the scripted dialogue and Marie's lines are edited in afterwards.
However, due to a threatened boycott by the series sponsors, the episode was rewritten with Marie's parts being entered digitally at a later time.

And now for something completely different - WIZARD TOURNAMENT

The Dreaded Talk Continued

2005-07-30T23:12:00.000-04:00

The dreaded talk continued tonight after my oldest daughter asked us "if roosters don't lay eggs, then how do they have babies? The regular way?" This is one of those magical moments when I'm absolutely amazed about how a fairly mature, reasonably intelligent semi-woman can be just so incredibly ... BLONDE!
After a few moments of stunned silence, my wife was the first to speak. She asked me to fry up a few eggs as well as bend the good silver. Acting like that was a perfectly reasonable request I did just as she wished. Once done, SexEd 101 was in session.
The words penis, vagina, sperm, eggs, STD's, placentas and unplanned pregnancies were thrown around as easily and as naturally as only a Mother and Daughter might. I left the room after my wife produced a cucumber and what I thought at first to be a balloon.