Life In Dresden

The Devil Made Them Do It

2005-12-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

The devil made them do it! As it turns out my children may not be alien spawn. Nor are the "special". It would seem that they might just be possessed. And all this time I was worried that something bad might happen to them.
Never again will I look twice as their heads spin in circles and I am bombarded with peasoup-like projectile vomiting because I made a decision not to their liking.
Never again will I ask my darling wife what it is we did wrong, was it dropping them at birth or did we bring the wrong children home from the hospital?
They are mine, all mine. Satan is merely standing by, watching and laughing.

And now for something completely different - GUILD WARS -

It's Just What I've Always Wanted

2005-12-27T16:29:00.000-05:00

It's just what I've always wanted. Not just for Christmas but for any past birthday or Father's Day. It's my very own belly dancer! Now I know there is a Santa because whenever I've asked my darling wife to dance for me she usually just rolls her eyes at me or says a few things that I cannot repeat here.
I promise to feed her and bathe her and keep her safe from harm. Now if only I could figure out how to not wake up because you know I'm only dreaming!

And now for something completely different - GHOST GIRL -

My New Year's Resolution

2005-12-27T16:13:00.000-05:00

My News Year's resolution from last year was to not overeat during this Christmas holiday. So what did I do? Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day was a 72 hour food orgy spent with friends and family eating, resting and then eating again. Our favourite topic of discussion was the various ways to consume a 2000+ calorie plate of food and still have room for countless glasses of eggnog and rum.
So, here I am on day four, lying on the couch watching TV instead of exercising and moaning because one of the kids has hidden the remote for the TV set. We all know there is only one thing for me to do, call for the nearest child and have him or her change the channel for me.
Ah, it's good to be King!

It's An Old fashioned Christmas

2005-12-24T23:47:00.000-05:00

It's an old fashioned Christmas and that's what made this holiday special. Being Christmas Eve, my wife and I had our families over for our annual Whining and Dining Extravaganza. The men gathered round the diningroom table and feasted on the finest of foods while the children huddled together for warmth at the kid's table out on the backporch. That doesn't sound as bad as it seems as this year the temperature barely dropped below freezing. Meanwhile, out in the Menstrual Shack, the women folk eagerly awaited the arrival of Santa Claus. Since the whole lot of them are naughtier than nice, their gifts of lumps of coal were greatly appreciated. By the time the women get called back into the main house to do dishes the cottage's tiny woodstove will be burning as hot as can be.

Merry Christmas One And All

The Wedding Of The Year

2005-12-24T22:59:00.000-05:00

The wedding of the year took place earlier this week but it was not this one, the union of Sir Elton John to the "Lady" David Furnish. I feel slighted as I was not invited to attend the ceremony as I am only four degrees of separation away from the couple. It turns out that a fellow I work with is married to a woman who works with another woman who was the childhood friend and next door neighbour of the "bride". If that doesn't deserve front row seats to this all-star circus then nothing does!
I referred to the newlyweds as being Sir and Lady, as Elton had been knighted by the Queen of England, and David is now the "wife" of a royal knight. I try my hardest to be politically (in)correct but I am having a real difficult time with this latest development. In order to be as objective as possible I have compiled the following list as to how and why their coupling can work:

1) No snuggling neccessary
2) No foreplay
3) No small talk
4) They both leave
5) No shaving
6) They both know they're lying
7) No risk of pregnancy
8) No PMS
9) Neither one will never ask "does this make me look fat?"

and finally

10) If they do ask they can answer "yes".

And now for something completely different - DISNEY -

My Worst Nightmare

2005-12-18T12:08:00.000-05:00

My worst nightmare is a recurring dream I have, usually immediately after being forced to watch Pretty Woman or The Wedding Planner with my wife. In my dream I am being chased by all of the women I have ever dated but did not call back afterward.
Their cries of "why didn't you call? I waited by the phone for days!" or "You told me I was special!" block away all other sound and then the chase begins.
Sometimes I manage to escape but other at times the darling woman I did marry catches me and saves me from the angry mob of would-be-brides. She then gives me the biggest kiss of my life. That is when the alarm clock goes off and I wake up with a mouth full of feathers and a hole in my pillow.

And now for something completely different - THIS DAY IN MUSIC -

Dresden Frontier Days

2005-12-18T11:13:00.000-05:00

Dresden Frontier Days and Indoor Swapmeet was a huge success this weekend with attendance at an all time high. Nearly a hundred and forty people made their way through the doors to trade jars of pickles and knitted goods as well as to see the town's ninety year old matador battle an untamed tortoise.
Next year's event is already being planned with a mime-dunking tank and the first ever Dresden Idol competition. And for all of you unwed mothers, the Ugly Baby contest will return along with a new event, a Guess Who's The Daddy booth will be set up facing the beer tent.
So be sure to be there for all of the fun and festivities. As always the first mug of moonshine is free.

Cooking Secrets

2005-12-16T22:40:00.000-05:00

Cooking secrets of some of the worlds greatest chefs are really not all that mysterious. Usually they are just a mixture of common sense and experience. Since I do my share of the meal preparation in this house I thought I would share some of my kitchen tips with you.

1) Cooking sherry is for cooking, not for getting you in the mood to cook. The more sherry you drink, the more likely you are to forget that you are actually cooking and whatever it is you have in the oven will burn. You can remedy this problem by serving your guests even larger amounts of sherry and they in turn will either forget why they are there or whatever blackened lump of flesh you serve them will taste just fine.

2) If you are serving some sort of fowl, be it turkey or goose or pheasant, be sure that you have all ready dressed the bird. Animals are generally a lot smarter than we give them credit for and will sense their time has come and will do whatever is neccessary to prolong their already short lives. Also live birds make one heck of a noise when they see you coming with the axe so make sure the dirty work is done behind the woodshed or in a back ally.

3) Think ahead. Frozen fast food from KFC will fool all but the fussiest of diners. When questioned, always respond with "it's an old family recipe." Even the Colonel himself borrowed the original recipe from his Grandmother.

4) No one really likes turkey. Nor do they like any sort of cooked bird other than chicken. Be a generous host and give your guests the option to call out for pizza and beer. You will then have a meal to be remembered.

My First Visit

2005-12-16T11:54:00.000-05:00

My first visit with Santa is a very dim memory, likely something I am better of forgetting completely. I seem to remember not wanting to be placed on the lap of this red-suited, whiskey laced stranger. Once there I am sure one of us had already wetted ourselves and I don't think it was me. Also, is a toddler supposed to be pinched on the bottom by a jolly little elf? Come on folks, no means no! I think the topper was when Old St. Nick's beard fell off of his face. To a young child that is just downright scarey. Maybe this is why I always keep the fireplace burning on Christmas Eve.

And now for something completely different - RUSH -

The Unknown Blogger

2005-12-11T11:50:00.000-05:00

The Unknown Blogger

I have been overwhelmed by the three pieces of fan mail that I have received since I first started this blog almost a year ago ( two were from "lonely" prison inmates ) all asking for a picture of myself and begging me to reveal a bit more about my personal life. Without further ado, I now present my deepest and darkest secrets.

Name: Claude Poirier
Location: Dresden Ontario Canada
Marital Status: Married ... with children
Occupation: Grunt/Scapegoat
Hobbies: Freeing the Romanian girls from Spanky's and other fine Gentlemen Clubs ( kind of like PETA )
Habits: Collecting Romanian girls from Spanky's and other fine Gentlemen Clubs
Greatest Ambition: Becoming President of the Hairclub For Men
Pet Peeve: The lyrics to "My Humps" by Black Eyed Peas
Greatest Accomplishment: Figuring out which of 4 remotes actually turns the TV to DVD mode
Greatest Mistake: Allowing my daughters out of the menstrual shack during the winter months
Last Book Read: How The Grinch Stole Christmas - A Survivor's Guide To The Holiday Season

Conversation With The Dead

2005-12-11T11:41:00.000-05:00

Conversation with the dead was made possible with a little help from my wife, a few of our friends, a bottle of Jack Daniels and an Ouija board.
The hour was midnight and we were sitting in a tight circle around the dining room table trying to conjur up the spirits of the dead. The first question asked was is anyone there? When the pallet moved to the letters H-E-Y M-O-R-O-N-S W-E A-R-E T-R-Y-I-N-G T-O G-E-T
S-O-M-E S-L-E-E-P I knew we had made contact. The second question was will you let us see you? Again the pallet moved spelling out
C-A-N-T Y-O-U R-E-A-D B-U-Z-Z O-F-F. Our third and final question was will you let us feel your presence? The answer came immediately when the pallet flew off of the table and lodged itself somewhere up my friend's personal anatomy.
The good news is the operation was a success as the doctors were able to remove it. The bad news is he will be sitting on an inflatable doughnut for the next few weeks.

And now for something completely different - SO YOU WANNA -

My Christmas Wishlist

2005-12-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

My Christmas wishlist has gotten a tiny bit longer, a little more expensive and a whole lot more unreasonable with the passing of the years. As a young boy, what I wanted most was a Tonka truck. Then, as a twentysomething adult I wanted a 4X4 Redneck Special with great big tires. Now what I want is to be able to afford to fill the gastank of my Grand Am. I know I can't always have what I want so that is why I am willing to settle for being younger-taller-richer with all of my original teeth and hair. Thank my lucky stars I'm still handsome.
Seeing as how this is a very busy time of the year for Santa, he has subcontracted the responsibility of letter-checking to me and my lovely wife. That's right, not only are we in charge of deciding who has been naughty or nice, the two of us also get to decide what it is you are ( or are not ) going to receive this holiday season.
As a rule, we can be bought, so send your bribes and Christmas wishlist to:

Claude & Kathy
Santa's Little Helpers
Dresden Ontario Canada
H0H 0H0

And now for something completely different - ALIBI NETWORK -

The Signs Of The Apocalypse

2005-12-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

The signs of the apocalypse were made clear to the prophet John way back when the earth was green. Originally they were omens represented by the four horsemen, the white, red, black and pale riders.
I too have had a vision of the coming of the end. It came to me in a dream following an orgy of tacos, chili and beer.
In my dream my four children all had learners permits and were able to drive my car. My first child came to me and told me she had cleaned her bedroom and had done all of her laundry. My second child came to me and said he had shoveled the snow from the driveway and sidewalk. My third child came to me and said she had cooked dinner and would later wash the dishes. My fourth child came to me and said the floors has been swept and the carpets had been vacuumed.
Surely these are all indications of the world ending. What a pity, I would actually consider letting them drive my car past the end of the driveway!.

More Suppressed Memories

2005-12-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

More suppressed memories but this time from The Boy.
Christmas is the time of year when everyone is happy and jolly. Everyone that is except for The Boy. I asked him if the hunting trip still bothered him and his first response was "what hunting trip?"
I took him aside and showed him the family album. Behind a picture of me receiving the Nobel Peace Prize for stopping the Alien Invasion of 2000 was another picture. This one was of The Boy, just 9 years old, crying at Santa's funeral.
I told him it would be OK if he wanted to cry again. He said no, it wouldn't be necessary, that he was a big boy now.
Everything was alright until I reminded him of our other hunting trip and the little accident at Easter time involving a stewing pot and a certain unnamed bunny!

Suppressed Memories

2005-12-04T13:51:00.000-05:00

Suppressed memories have a way of hitting you like a ton of bricks. You can be walking along as happy as can be and all of a sudden you're on your knees trying to catch your breath.
Such a thing happened to me this morning as I was walking downtown window shopping. As I glanced through the picture window at the local drugstore I saw a Christmas display which brought me back to my first hunting trip with The Boy.
We were out shooting squirrels when all of a sudden I was dive bombed by what appeared to be a UFO. My gut instinct was to shoot first and ask questions later.
Tragedy struck twice that year. Not only was Christmas cancelled but I had also shot Santa Claus and all eight of his reindeer.

And now for something completely different - EMOTICONS -

When Squirrel's Attack

2005-12-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

When squirrel's attack it may be time to arm yourself.
With urban sprawl taking over more and more of their habitat, these little fellows have become very aggessive and have learned to adapt in order to survive.
As I witnessed during a stroll through the park, the furry rodents are not only Star Wars fans but they have also stolen George Lucas's technology.

Winter

2005-12-02T12:25:00.000-05:00

Winter has arrived with a vengance and it's time to get the car ready for the long season ahead. I asked The Boy to put the snow tires on the car so as to be safe on the icy roads.
The bad news is that I forgot we used the inner tubes of the tires during last summer's river rafting competition.
The good news is that he was able to improvise and duct taped a couple of pairs of cross-country skis to the frame of the car.
It now gets excellent gas milage going downhill but going uphill can be a bit of a problem. Maybe Santa will let me borrow his reindeer until Christmas Eve.

And now for something completely different - EMAIL STATIONARY -

Geeks vs Nerds

2005-11-27T14:14:00.000-05:00

Geeks vs Nerds - The 5 essential differences.

While not as intense as Alien vs Preditor but far more riveting than Pepsi vs Coke, the battle of societies fringe members has raged since bands of people first came together as a collective. Similar at first glance the differences don't become noticeable until closer examination.

1) Geeks tend to be intellectually superior to Nerds. The term Geek is used by people within the normal IQ range to describe a person who can do complex math problems in their heads while Nerds have difficulty removing the childproof cap from a bottle of Aspirin.

2) Geek is a four letter word denoting wealth and success in the business world as well as in all fields of science and medicine. Nerds are employed by Geeks to mop the floors and to donate their bodies for experimentation before and after their deaths.

3) Geeks can dress themselves and manage colour coordination. Nerds can dress themselves but without visual flair. Both socks must be the same colour and plaids do not go well with either stripes or polka dots. Never use Jerry Lewis or The Nutty Professor as a role model.

4) A Geek can repair electronic components while a Nerd has probes attatched to their scalp for electroshock therapy.

5) The King of Geeks is Bill Gates. The King of Nerds is PeeWee Herman. Who would you rather have your daughter bring home for dinner?

And now for something completely different - GEEKS vs NERDS

Knock Before Entering

2005-11-27T13:20:00.000-05:00

Knock before entering your kid's room or you may see something you would rather not, especially if they are teenagers.
I got the shock of my life when, thinking I was home alone, I decided I would put away my daughter's laundry. I walked into her room and there she was, naked, except for being wrapped in a towel and not wearing any makeup.
Now I understand why my girls take so long in the bathroom every morning!

Now Hiring: Village Idiot

2005-11-25T12:22:00.000-05:00

Now Hiring: Village Idiot
The town of Dresden is now hiring for the position of Village Idiot. The successful applicant must be entertaining while not being very bright. Fluency in either official language, English or French, is not neccessary. Uniforms will be provided.

Toilet Seat Etiquette

2005-11-25T11:20:00.000-05:00

Toilet seat etiquette is what makes a good marriage strong and a bad marriage fail. Far more divorces have resulted because of this than the toothpaste cap/squeezing issue or the toilet paper roll over-under issue combined. I have put a great deal of thought into the matter and other than booby trapping the bathroom, I have come to a conclusion.

I understand that a woman does not want to sit in pee or have their butts touch water because the seat was left up and it was three o'clock in the morning and it was late and she didn't want to turn on the light lest she wake up eveyone in the house. In order to avoid this the woman has only to put the seat down, touching it but once.
On the other hand a man's aim can be less than 100% acurrate. If the seat is always left up there wouldn't be a problem. A man shouldn't be expected to touch the seat twice, before and after the peeing.
The solution is to have the seat left up at all times.

And now for something completely different - LYRICS MANIA -

Wifejitsu

2005-11-20T11:54:00.000-05:00

Wifejitsu - The ancient art of manipulation.

This one is for all of the men out there. Ladies, please return to your knitting.

All right guys, how many of you have spent an evening in the doghouse or a cold night alone on the couch? How many of you have been in deep doodoo for reasons completely unknown? Unless you are a newlywed or lacking a certain male appendage, this article is for you.
What we don't know, or do know but can't do anything about, is that women belong to a secret society where all men are slime and our every doing is discussed, examined and controlled. There isn't anything that a man can do that hasn't already been planned and directed by our "better halves".
If we want to survive as a species there are five basic rules for survival that we men must learn early in life.

1) When asked by a woman if she looks fat in (whatever she is wearing; bikini, dress, potato sack, shipping crate, etc.) we must answer immediately with a definite NO. Do not hesitate or all is lost. Do not ask "compared to what?"

2) Do you remember that arguement the two of you had over three years ago just after getting home from dinner? Of course you don't but she does. She will bring this up again at the first sign of losing your most current disagreement. It will benefit you to know that no matter how right you are, you are still wrong. She will bring up the past in order to cloud over the present. Don't try to figure out where her latest point is coming from. It has nothing to do with now. She is trying to derail your train of thought.

3) She has secret powers, just like Wonder Woman but far more effective. The Icy Stare used in conjuntion with the Cold Shoulder is enough to shrink the nads of the bravest man. Even more deadly is The Silent Treatment combined with A Three Week Visit From Mother.

4) Periods, PMS and Menopause. The Triumvirate of Terror. Buildings burn, walls crumble, the mighty are brought to their knees. Sometimes it is best to just run. Run far and run fast.

5) You are never dealing with just one woman. You are dealing with all women, all of the time. She has multiple personalities and none of them really like you. It is YOUR FAULT. Learn to say "yes dear, I'm sorry dear, I'm a dog dear, it was my fault dear." Bow your head and leave the room silently. Do not make eye contact.

And a final reminder to all men:

Do not get caught reading this entry. She can read your mind, she knows you are up to something and she will get even!

Around The World In Eighty Days

2005-11-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

Around the world in eighty days - Day One
The last known exert from the journal of Preston Van Snooty III.

I have made a small wager with one of the fellows from the yaht club that I could indeed circumnavigate the globe, unassisted, in a period not to exceed eighty days.
At stake is the family name as well as a good deal of its fortune.
Being no stranger to the open sea, I have left port with nothing more than a compass and sextant, the best of goumet foods and for my leisure, a hard bound copy of the Jules Vern classic, Around The World In Eighty Days.
I lay here now upon the open deck, enjoying the warmth of the westerning sun. What could possibly go wrong? ...

And now for something completely different - TV PARTY -

Some Things Are Sacred

2005-11-19T18:47:00.000-05:00

Some things are sacred and demand privacy. Any man will tell you about "stage fright" or "performance anxiety". You know, not being able to do certain things in front of an audience! This is the one thing best done alone, without a group of young ladies rating our performance. Stage fright is one thing, but ladies, now you know why men don't go to the washroom in groups.

Winter Is Officially Here

2005-11-19T17:57:00.000-05:00

Winter is officially here when, like the robins in early spring, the first snowman of the year is spotted rummaging through the back alleys of Dresden in search of food. Their long summers' hibernation is over and not only are they hungry, they are dangerous as well.
Parents, armed with flame throwers and road salt, will escort the towns' children to and from school as well as keeping a careful watch on the tobogganing hills, a favourite hunting ground for the newly awakened snowmen.

And now for something completely different - DL's Top Ten -