A Sneak-Peak At The Upcoming Year

A sneak-peak at the upcoming year by your all-seeing and all-knowing webmaster. I wouldn't make any of this up as I have nothing but love and respect for you. Horoscopes may not be appropriate for young children, the aged, cowards or Christian Fundamentalists. Send any of your concerns to ifrighteneasily@yahoo.ca

Those Born Today - You are oblivious to what others notice on first sight. Your birthday suit is somewhat wrinkled and several sizes to small. Your beauty spots are now liver spots. Your adult undergarment leaks through at the bottom. You have a close relationship with the Creator as you are almost the same age. Buzzards circle above when you stop for any length of time. Don't worry about the expiration date on your jug of milk, it will most likely outlast you.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19) - Your fascination with water can be traced back to your early childhood where you perfected the art of bed-wetting. As an adult you crave attention. This is easily accomplished by having the occasional 'accident'. You will travel often this year, to the local Urologist or Gynecologist. You may become a celebrity if your naked pictures are published on the Internet.

PISCES (Feb 20 - Mar 20) - There is something fishy about you, mostly your breath and body odour. Try bathing as it will open the door to making friends. Your goal of becoming a Sea Captain may become reality as long as you are willing to spend long periods of time on an ocean going trawler with a group of lonely, perverted sailors. Needless to say, your cabinboy will avoid you as your favourite passtime is playing 'hide the halibut'.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20) - This is your year. You will be released from prison early, only to reoffend by exposing yourself at the local McDonald's. Ronald will not press charges as he is in a happy mood. Your skills of break-and-entering will pay off when you are arrested for vagrancy and manage to slip out of your handcuffs and escape. You are popular and wanted, by the police.

TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 21) - A bull in a china shop describes you well as you are clumsy and stubborn. You are not much to look at but you can take a punch. It might be best to go into hiding in the next few months as you will be diagnosed as Patient Zero for the Mad Cow Crisis. You will be offered a job as spokesperson for the Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong Foundation. You frighten children.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 22) - As a twin, one of you is enough. If you get a chance, drown the other. You are incapable of doing things on your own. Plagiarism is your friend. You have no fashion sense and people laugh at you. Beware of villagers with torches this summer. They will think you have been cloned by Dr. Frankenstein and intend on burning you at the stake. In comparison, Taurus born people are attractive. You will not get anything for Christmas.

CANCER (Jun 23 - Jul 23) - What is worse, having lobsters on your piano or crabs on your organ? You are unclean and untrustworthy. Lepers shun you. You are best mated with Pisces as you can throw your offspring overboard. If you get the opportunity to be cryogenicly frozen, take it. You will be offered a job in Genetic Research as a lab rat. A cure for you may be found in time to save your children from further humiliation.

LEO (Jul 24 - Aug 23) - Born under the sign of the Lion, you are lazy and shiftless. You expect everything to be given to you without working. You have a future as a resident in a lower-end trailer park. Your poor judgement and lack of morals makes Paris Hilton seem intelligent and chaste. Drinking from a ditch is not a good source of Vitamin P, though you may find it in there. You will be voted the smartest student in Grade 10, for the sixth consecutive year. Get a job and move out of your parents' basement.

VIRGO (Aug 24 - Sep 23) - No, your star sign DOES NOT imply your virginity. Yes, your cousin DOES count as your first, even if you live the the Ozarks. Your 12 children will all have the first name of Billy, (Billy-Jean, Billy-Bob, Billy-Jack, etc.) You will be awarded as owner of the sweetest smelling outhouse in the entire county. Your better-half will be killed this autumn when the still explodes, igniting a 300 gallon vat of moonshine. Aliens will abduct you and return you with a chickens' brain, making you the smartest person in town. Changing your underwear with your sibling does not make you hygenic.


LIBRA (Sep 24 - Oct 23) - As the name Libra implies, you live a balanced life. You get up in the morning only to fall down the stairs on the way to the kitchen. You pour your coffe only to have it spill on you on the way to work. You give to charity over the phone only to have your credit-card number stolen. Bad turns are just a way of life for you. In short, you are a Loser. Suicide may be right for you. Don't make plans for Thanksgiving.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 22) - If all goes well you will win the lawsuit against your surgeon over the botched sex-change operation. People will discover a new-found respect for you after you appear on the cover of National Enquirer, making you more famous than Bat-Boy. Everyone will know your name even though no one will share a cab with you. Congratulations, you're a freak. A travelling circus is looking for you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 - Dec 21) - You are attractive, pysically fit, well liked, rich and happy. All of your dreams will come true. Everyone wants to be just like you. Adults respect your opinion and children hang on your every word. None of your plans ever fail. Baskin-Robbins wants to name a new ice-cream after you. The Pope wants to canonize you. Your farts smell like roses. WAKE UP! - YOU'VE FALLEN ASLEEP AT YOUR COMPUTER AGAIN!

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 20) - Last in order of astrological signs, last in line, last in love, last to get the joke, last to smell the coffee! All in all, you are not very smart or memorable. Your own children see no reason to talk behind your back as you simply do not get it. Even homeless people sometimes feel bad when making fun of you. The local university will reject your offer to donate your body for scientific purposes. You will be buried in a cardboard box in an unmarked grave. No one will miss you. Consider joining a cult.

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