Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Devil Made Them Do It

The devil made them do it! As it turns out my children may not be alien spawn. Nor are the "special". It would seem that they might just be possessed. And all this time I was worried that something bad might happen to them.
Never again will I look twice as their heads spin in circles and I am bombarded with peasoup-like projectile vomiting because I made a decision not to their liking.
Never again will I ask my darling wife what it is we did wrong, was it dropping them at birth or did we bring the wrong children home from the hospital?
They are mine, all mine. Satan is merely standing by, watching and laughing.

And now for something completely different - GUILD WARS -

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

It's Just What I've Always Wanted

It's just what I've always wanted. Not just for Christmas but for any past birthday or Father's Day. It's my very own belly dancer! Now I know there is a Santa because whenever I've asked my darling wife to dance for me she usually just rolls her eyes at me or says a few things that I cannot repeat here.
I promise to feed her and bathe her and keep her safe from harm. Now if only I could figure out how to not wake up because you know I'm only dreaming!

And now for something completely different - GHOST GIRL -

My New Year's Resolution

My News Year's resolution from last year was to not overeat during this Christmas holiday. So what did I do? Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day was a 72 hour food orgy spent with friends and family eating, resting and then eating again. Our favourite topic of discussion was the various ways to consume a 2000+ calorie plate of food and still have room for countless glasses of eggnog and rum.
So, here I am on day four, lying on the couch watching TV instead of exercising and moaning because one of the kids has hidden the remote for the TV set. We all know there is only one thing for me to do, call for the nearest child and have him or her change the channel for me.
Ah, it's good to be King!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

It's An Old fashioned Christmas

It's an old fashioned Christmas and that's what made this holiday special. Being Christmas Eve, my wife and I had our families over for our annual Whining and Dining Extravaganza. The men gathered round the diningroom table and feasted on the finest of foods while the children huddled together for warmth at the kid's table out on the backporch. That doesn't sound as bad as it seems as this year the temperature barely dropped below freezing. Meanwhile, out in the Menstrual Shack, the women folk eagerly awaited the arrival of Santa Claus. Since the whole lot of them are naughtier than nice, their gifts of lumps of coal were greatly appreciated. By the time the women get called back into the main house to do dishes the cottage's tiny woodstove will be burning as hot as can be.

Merry Christmas One And All

The Wedding Of The Year

The wedding of the year took place earlier this week but it was not this one, the union of Sir Elton John to the "Lady" David Furnish. I feel slighted as I was not invited to attend the ceremony as I am only four degrees of separation away from the couple. It turns out that a fellow I work with is married to a woman who works with another woman who was the childhood friend and next door neighbour of the "bride". If that doesn't deserve front row seats to this all-star circus then nothing does!
I referred to the newlyweds as being Sir and Lady, as Elton had been knighted by the Queen of England, and David is now the "wife" of a royal knight. I try my hardest to be politically (in)correct but I am having a real difficult time with this latest development. In order to be as objective as possible I have compiled the following list as to how and why their coupling can work:

1) No snuggling neccessary
2) No foreplay
3) No small talk
4) They both leave
5) No shaving
6) They both know they're lying
7) No risk of pregnancy
8) No PMS
9) Neither one will never ask "does this make me look fat?"

and finally

10) If they do ask they can answer "yes".

And now for something completely different - DISNEY -

Sunday, December 18, 2005

My Worst Nightmare

My worst nightmare is a recurring dream I have, usually immediately after being forced to watch Pretty Woman or The Wedding Planner with my wife. In my dream I am being chased by all of the women I have ever dated but did not call back afterward.
Their cries of "why didn't you call? I waited by the phone for days!" or "You told me I was special!" block away all other sound and then the chase begins.
Sometimes I manage to escape but other at times the darling woman I did marry catches me and saves me from the angry mob of would-be-brides. She then gives me the biggest kiss of my life. That is when the alarm clock goes off and I wake up with a mouth full of feathers and a hole in my pillow.

And now for something completely different - THIS DAY IN MUSIC -

Dresden Frontier Days

Dresden Frontier Days and Indoor Swapmeet was a huge success this weekend with attendance at an all time high. Nearly a hundred and forty people made their way through the doors to trade jars of pickles and knitted goods as well as to see the town's ninety year old matador battle an untamed tortoise.
Next year's event is already being planned with a mime-dunking tank and the first ever Dresden Idol competition. And for all of you unwed mothers, the Ugly Baby contest will return along with a new event, a Guess Who's The Daddy booth will be set up facing the beer tent.
So be sure to be there for all of the fun and festivities. As always the first mug of moonshine is free.